Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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