Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
