Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
