talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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