Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
