My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
