successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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