i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We were destined to go to rehab together
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
