He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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