She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sobbing to NWA
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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