your parents love me but you hate me
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
