Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
