Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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