I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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