I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
