Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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