Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
