I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
