i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
