Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
