I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
