I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
