I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Floor bacon is actually really good
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
