And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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