Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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