On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
