And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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