i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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