This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need a beard to bite.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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