My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
