have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
