So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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