I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
