Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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