it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
