At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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