No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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