If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
