I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
