New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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