wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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