People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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