So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.