I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.