can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
