The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
