the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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