You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
