Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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