Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
