Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize