Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
