if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
