I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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