well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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