No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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