By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
