She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
