drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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