The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
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Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
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I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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