i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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