I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Found the puke drawer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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