wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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